The Road to Acceptance

Before diving into the first of three in this introductory blog series, I just want to say what a ride the past year plus has been for me!

Starting out, few things to note: One, if you are here, you are entering my “realm.” Many who know me well know I can write A LOT. I am not going to make any apologies for this here, as this is my space. If you are not someone up for long stories or blog posts, you can feel free to opt out now. I do not intend for all my posts to be this long, but this is the debut post, and it is a two-parter.

Two, I was happy to find a WIX template I liked to create this website! If you notice the little “L-O-F*” in the upper left-hand corner, that is indicative of the original title of this website template… “Leap of Faith.” This theme has emerged for me several times now over the past month alone, so when I spotted this template, it was “How could I not choose this one!?” There was an original source, meaning someone who mentioned that phrase to me before it started popping up elsewhere. If by chance that person finds themselves here reading this post…well, they know who they are. I will leave the little acronym on the web page as tribute to them, and as a reminder of what I am doing here now…taking a “leap of faith” toward a new direction, the first day of the rest of my life.

Three, I will not be enabling public comments on posts. If you have something constructive and encouraging you wish to share, you may fill out the contact form and I will receive your message.

Four, I am publishing this post one year to the date of us losing our second Yorkie, Mila. ("Mila" actual means "miracle" in Italian, so keep that in the back of your mind for “Part 2” below).

The first three themes I will be addressing in these initial posts are Acceptance, Surrender, and Forgiveness. After taking two nine-week Daoist Stone Medicine materia medica courses, these are the themes that kept emerging for me from both of those courses, plus a course on the "8 Extraordinary Meridians."

I have come to understand that the “Awakening” path will be different for everyone and will come with different themes. Yet my Awakening has been about Acceptance (self-acceptance, things outside of my control, the state of others), Surrender (the "letting go" of all that is "unnecessary"), and Forgiveness (first for myself, then for “setting the captive free”).

My path begins with Acceptance. So, what were my challenges with this? What were the things that I had to come to terms with and accept, both about myself and others? Through the stone medicine lectures and other resources, it came in a progression of soul-searching questions like these:

Can I accept who I am in this lifetime?

Can I accept the features I came in with, knowing that while not perfect, I am unique.

Can I accept that the demographics and country I was born into offered me many privileges that others in the world do not get, and that with that comes a great responsibility to "be my brother's keeper?" As opposed to living as though the world's problems were not my own.

Can I accept the dynamics I chose for my evolution (family, societal, education, career path). And can I accept that those choices, in which I identified deficiencies and sources of discomfort, were actually for my highest good?

Can I except that I knew before coming in I would not know my earthly father, and my relationship with my mother would always be fraught with complication and discord? Can I accept that my soul chose this dynamic anyway for further evolution?

Can I accept that I am not always right?

Can I accept that I "fell asleep" in the programs and societal conditioning, and in doing so lost knowledge of my true identity as a being and forgot the origins of my soul family?

Can I accept that I stuffed myself in a "box" to please others and gain their approval. And can I accept that I tried to force others to fit into that box with me? (Inevitably causing some degree of harm).

Can I accept that I have made (and will make) mistakes, which I can forgive myself for and learn from?

Can I accept that not everyone was meant to stay in my life, or stay close, and in some cases I even ran them out of my life?

Can I accept that I have hurt people...ones I have even claimed to care about or love? (Not intentionally of course, but because it often happens when a person operates out of their ego).

Can I accept that I adopted too many “ego identities” in this life, and in doing so created many “masks” for myself?

Can I accept that circumstances beyond my control started cracking all those masks open, revealing all the “beautiful chaos” beneath the surface?

Can I accept that hard and uncomfortable moments brought some of the greatest lessons for my soul?

Can I accept and admit that I got a lot of things wrong when it came to relationships (spouse, parents, family, friends, associates, colleagues).

Can I accept about myself that I did not always show up well?... That sometimes I reacted vs. responded. Can I accept that this resulted in self-sabotage, and loss of opportunities for potential growth and advancement?

Yet can I accept that advancement, promotion or “ladder climbing” was actually not meant for my path? (Again, for my highest good).

Can I accept that I wasted too many years being judgmental of others, only to learn later in life that it was because I did not like myself on all levels?

Can I accept that much of my life I have operated at a low (or less than optimal) vibration, resulting in the attraction of more low frequency experiences and relationships in my life?

Can I accept that I chased all the wrong things in the pursuit of "happiness," only to finally understand that happiness is not a feeling to be had based on the status of your circumstances, but is a state of elevated consciousness that must be cultivated from within? And accepting that the first steps toward this is self-acceptance and self-forgiveness?

Can I accept my "shadow" parts and choose to do what it takes to integrate (rather than reject or mask) those aspects and love myself despite even my worst tendencies?

Can I accept that I am responsible for working on my own healing and doing my own inner work that will keep my soul always evolving?

Can I accept that I have had to question so much of what I was taught to believe growing up, and shed so much of the belief systems that no longer serve myself or others, just to get to this point?

Can I accept that now is the time to step into my true Authentic Self to complete the work I came in to do in this life?

Can I accept the understanding that I am one of many in this current timeframe who have come to “Pierce the Veils,” and that it is time to now step into that Mission?

I am sure there have been many more "Can I accept?" questions over the past year, but there is no need to go on. I ask that you go back up and look at these questions I posed again. Which ones resonate with you? Which ones can you take as your own, and modify to apply to your stories? Or to your own soul work?

The Road to Acceptance – Part 2: “A Girl and Her Dog.”

One of the more practical “acceptance” questions I had to grapple with over the past year:

"Can I accept that it was meant to be when Mila left us, and that it was for my highest good that I wasn't there when she was found motionless outside?"

That was a hard one for me, and some days still is. Even yesterday as I was planning the final steps to prepare and publish this debut post, I questioned how much about this story and the things that have occurred over the past year that I should share publicly. As I sat in a restaurant last night, I noticed a notification on my phone about “National Dog Day.” When I clicked the notification, it was a reminder that National Dog Day is today, August 26th. And, August 26, 2022, (today) marks one year to the day since losing Mila. There is no question why this “national” recognition was lost on me last year, as clearly my thoughts and emotions were elsewhere. I took that as the sign that I am more than good going forward with this story, in an “all or nothing” kind of way!

There is no turning back from my Authentic Self at this stage of things.

One silver lining for me during the pandemic was a period of mandated telework and getting more time at home with Mila and her “big sister” Juliet. (Side note: They are from the same breeder and same dam and sire, but were three years apart in litters/age).

Just a brief back story: Due to some other tragic losses with pets growing up, I told myself years ago I would not have animals again, especially dogs, until I was in my own home and secure and stable enough to take care of them properly. That included treating them like “family” (no outside dog houses, no leaving animals out in harsh weather, no chains), and keeping them and loving them through their golden years to be there when it was time to say goodbye. But I did not get my "goodbye" with Mila. She was just suddenly gone.

As all people do, I have days where I can get overwhelmed by life, and not like my job at times. But this could not have been truer on August 26, 2021. I had to be downtown for a work meeting that morning, and then I spent the rest of the day scanning in documents for a project closing. It was the first day in some weeks I actually needed to go into the office. As such, my husband and I had been in touch as he was planning to come downtown for our weekly Thursday night date night. But when I got back to my desk from the scanner/printer at one point and checked messages, I saw one that said, "you need to call right away, I'm trying to reach you about Mila."

Then on the phone, I heard the worst words imaginable from my husband... "I found Mila outside motionless... I can't tell if she's breathing, I am going to take her to the emergency veterinarian center."

Shocked and exhausted, I could not even cry, especially knowing I had to drive home first, then make my way to the vet clinic. All I could think was “of all days for this to happen, why this day? The first day I needed to be downtown in weeks and wasn't home with her!?”

Once there, I joined my husband in a private room where Mila's lifeless body was wrapped in a yellow towel. After finally breaking down, I asked the technician if we could walk her out in the towel, as we planned to take her home for goodbyes with Juliet and our Tabby cat Winnie before dropping her off for cremation at the family vet the next morning. The technician said she would be right back with something else, and a few minutes later, came back with a cardboard box (like a pet coffin!) I was not ready for that, and asked if there was something else we could wrap her in for the ride home that I could wash, sanitize and bring back to the clinic. The vet tech disappeared again.

When she returned, she had Mila wrapped in a thin blanket with a pattern on it I recognized. As she walked closer toward me, through my tears I could clearly make out the design of a large Cardinal head staring at me!

If you are not familiar with the symbolism of Cardinals, one primary aspect is that seeing them represents visitations from loved ones who have crossed over. Seeing this design on the blanket she was wrapped in suddenly brought on a sense of understanding and a degree of comfort. I also instantly and intuitively sensed the message come through..."feed the Cardinals.” As if that message was coming right from Mila.

I know Mila liked spending a little extra time outside by herself on the deck, enjoying the sunshine and breeze and sometimes chasing the bunnies. I'd like to think she made friends with the other creatures in the yard, and that maybe some visiting Cardinals were there to send her off as she transitioned.

I always knew Mila was a special little soul, but I did not realize how special until after her passing. She was certainly more than "just a dog."

One day a couple of months before she passed, she gave me a beautiful "gift." We found each other locked in an eye gaze, and it was as if I could see the entire universe and all the love it held staring back at me. A truly profound experience! My husband could also tell you, as he has come to understand it, that Mila was the epitome of unconditional love in our home...and in all honesty, we understood it to be something beyond this realm that neither of us had really experienced before.

If I see any other blessing or “gifts” that came of losing her when we did, it has provided the opportunity for Juliet to be the “only child” again. Mila came into our home and out of a brief sense of insecurity, eventually became the “alpha dog” in the house once she outgrew Juliet in size, which forced Juliet to withdraw affection over the years as she had no interest in completing with Mila. (Though I made sure to always love them and pay attention to them equally). As Juliet is aging and will turn 12 on our anniversary on 9/1, Mila’s passing returned to her the gift of time, and over the past year we have witnessed Juliet become much more affectionate and communicative.

As time went on over the past year, we recognized an overall change of energy in our home, and I became a proverbial "bird lady" of sorts after acquiring a bird feeder to “feed the Cardinals.”

Losing Mila made me dig deeper... I had been in the deepest, darkest part of my D.N.O.T.S. (Dark Night of the Soul) for a little while at that point since early 2020, and her “departure” was Divinely timed for the next phase of my "Awakening."

Through Mila’s transition, and then through various online courses and other materials, I found myself shedding belief systems that no longer served me, and challenging assumptions I made about my life…what it was supposed to look like, what I was to have accomplished by this point, etc.

I woke up to the realization that I had spent many years of my life trying to “map it all out.” (I am a meticulous planner and organizer after all!) But I was also trying to exert too much control over things, situations, and even the people in my life. I began to realize I had a lot of unrealistic expectations about myself, and I placed equally unrealistic expectations on others, including my spouse. Then when life’s circumstances and others began “disappointing” me as things were not going according to the “plan” I moved into a period of High Functioning Anxiety combined with other poor habits, where I am sure I made others wonder what was going on with me. I know I even wondered myself if I was at times “losing it” or “going crazy.”

(Most people will get a mild case of all this with the “mid life crisis.” A smaller group of us will get a severe case of the “crazies” during the D.N.O.T.S.)

Over the past year, I started focusing on energy, and specifically my energy output, how that affected others, and dove into more esoteric teachings through the stone medicine lectures and other intuitive courses. It was through all this that I came to understand that as hard as losing her was, it was for my highest good at the time so I could work on opening up myself more to the Divine and the gifts that my soul came in with, but that have layed dormant for too long.

Disclaimer: I want to warn you that continuing to read from here at this point is going to move into some topic areas that some may consider a little “woo woo.” If you determine that is you-you, then I will not at all be offended if you shoo-shoo out of the blog post at this point. I will still count you as a friend and wish you well!

But if you are up for continuing on this journey with me, I ask you proceed with an open mind and open heart, so as not to invalidate another's experience...

I cannot discount other seemingly "supernatural" phenomenon that have occurred around our home and yard over the past year.

Per Mila’s initial message, I did not just take care of the Cardinals... I also attracted Blue Jays and Red Winged Blackbirds, as well Hawks to my backyard. Additionally I experienced a visitation from a group of Dragonflies. All of it held relevant meaning and symbolism.

Cardinal: Color-Red, associated with the Root Chakra, symbolizing grounding in the home life, around the land space and getting more grounded and rooted in Mother Earth. Also represents visitations from loved ones who have crossed over. Other spiritual symbolism includes friendship, flair, love and devotion, and messages from angels.

Blue Jay: Color-Blue and White, associated with the Throat Chakra (Blue Jays are very talkative and loud birds and love to sing!), with symbolism indicating curiosity, creativity, trustworthiness, resourcefulness, clarity, intellect, and vibrancy. When you see a Blue Jay, it could be during times of self-doubt and the visitation is there to remind you that you are a trustworthy and loyal person, and signals that you may need to start expressing yourself more freely.

Red Winged Blackbird: Forces of nature are at work to create life changes and staying grounded during life and family dynamic changes. This bird challenges you to examine if you have been too territorial and judgmental, not allowing for others around you to shift and make needed changes. Other symbolism: determination, focus, tenacity, and a person living to their fullest potential. As a power or spirit animal, the Red Winged blackbird brings forth the power of unseen worlds and balances them with the forces of nature…thus they serve as messengers of a new awakening.

Hawk: If you have read any work by Ted Andrews, you might know that Hawk represents protection, particularly during travels. And in Lynn McKenzie’s (animal energy healer and communicator) work and writings, Hawk often shows up when a beloved animal companion has crossed over, or as a sign of assisting in the transition. Other resources highlight that Hawk as a bird of prey represents determination, focus, leadership, future planning, intuitive decision making.

I was not particularly happy when Hawks started showing up in my yard over the past year during certain seasons because apparently we are attracting the species that hunts other birds. Imagine my dismay after finding evidence of ravaged Blue Jay feathers one day, and on another day when returning from a morning walk with Juliet, a Hawk was perched on the ground in my back yard, and when it took flight had a Cardinal clutched in its talons!—After reaching out to Lynn McKenzie on how to keep the Hawks away, she assured me this was a lesson in understanding and acceptance of the cycle of life and death in nature, and I took that to mean I should consider it a blessing to witness and allow it to play out.

If I can mention a positive encounter with Hawk, it would be when I went to take Juliet out one afternoon, and we startled a Hawk that was on the ground between our two cars (likely trying to hunt). As I started down the steps all I could recall seeing in the moment was this massive bird flying toward me with a large wingspan, the right tip of which was only a few inches from my head as it flew by. Again, reflecting on Ted Andrew’s writings, if you see a Hawk, and depending on what side of yours they walk or fly by, it’s indicative of a message. Since this hawk flew past my right side, it was signaling me to examine aspects or areas of my life where I might be struggling to express or assert from my masculine energy/power center.

Lastly about the Dragonflies, there was the visitation of about a dozen Dragonflies hovering over our backyard on the evening of 9/11/21, the 20-year anniversary of that tragic event. If you research anything on Dragonflies, you will understand that they hatch out of the water after two years of their nymph stage, and tend to stay/live around bodies of water. Our backyard has no water feature, no bird bath...nothing that should have attracted that many to our backyard. And I was perplexed as to why were they just hovering in a unified formation!

If you understand ancient teachings about the four primary Earth elements, you will know water represents emotion. I later intuitively realized that my high emotions that day attracted what I was seeing. To be honest with you, as my husband was inside taking a shower at the time, he did not witness this “visitation.” For all I know, as bizarre as it seemed to me, I might have been the only one meant to see it.

Did you know that there is a color and species of Dragonfly and Damselfly to match all seven of the more commonly known Chakras/energy centers in the human body? Are you also aware that the huge eyes that Dragonflies have enable them to see in a 360-degree radius, and that it is therefore believed that Dragonflies can see colors of the color spectrum that we as humans cannot? Many ancient and Indigenous teachers and shamans believed this meant that Dragonflies symbolize the interdimensional connection between this physical three dimensional (3D) plane and unseen realms! Meaning Dragonfly could very well represent the essence and tangible evidence of an energetic being or nature spirt that can “pierce the veils” between seen and unseen worlds. Amazing!

Overall Dragonfly also represents a “two-year transition.” The theme of Dragonfly kept coming up for me in the following months as I approached the two-year mark related to events beyond my control that were Divinely designed to crack my soul open to its core and lay everything bare.

I would ironically spot a deceased Dragonfly on the sidewalk downtown between the parking garage and my office as recent as a few months ago. A dead Dragonfly can symbolize letting go of the past, the need to make life/career changes, the "death" of a phase of life, life and rebirth, understanding life is precious, and living in the present moment.

If you have followed along this far, I thank you for joining me on this journey. I know your time is valuable. If you are someone who knew me from before, or knew past versions of me, you might be wondering if I have “lost my way,” or have otherwise forsaken all my religious (Christian) roots and upbringing. The answer would be “yes” and “no.”

I have chosen to start shedding the “programs.” (I will devote a separate blog post to this aspect a little further out). There were many things I was taught to believe and allowed myself to fall into the conditioning as most people do, as we are all shaped by parents and other authority figures at an early age that if we do not do things in “x,y,z” manner, then we are not acceptable to others around us. This even became true about religion and going to church. If your religion, behavior, worship or method of prayer didn’t look a certain way, then you were “doing it wrong.” Well, if I am being honest, I felt the most free, and the most loved by God and the Universe when I was kid simply playing outside in the dirt, or talking to trees, or greeting the neighbors when they walked by…and through all that came the understanding of how connected I was to everything and everyone. That was my true “worship” of my Creator, and through nature was my true communication with the Divine. And that is the primary essence of ancient Daoist philosophy.

So, it would seem to me then, that is how God/the Universe interacted with me at my purest form in life before the world, institutions, programs, and conditioning all got their hands on me...and perhaps I have always been a "Daoist" at heart, and just never attached that label to it.

I will honestly admit that I no longer attend traditional church anymore. That was not how I originally planned it, but for reasons, which I won't fully explain yet, that is how it turned out. I always enjoyed the community and fellowship, but you can have that with anybody and is not something solely unique to religions institutions or groups. As time has gone on, and more things have emerged about emotional, spiritual, and sexual abuse as well as financial scandals across so many well-known mega churches, and even in some church organizations where you would have least likely thought those kinds of things would occur…I have no problem having stepped out of the scene for a while until things work themselves out.

Now more than any other time in my life I am confident about the Path I am on…no longer trying to control the picture of what life looks like, or how the future will play out...I am learning to embrace the Uknown and live in the flow and connectedness to All That Is. I now move forward with courage into my true calling as a soul healer and one who has come to help bring balance between the Divine Masculine and Divine Feminine energies on the planet. This is the kind of work that will heal the Earth and humanity, including the Church on a global level. Completing that work will be the cornerstone to the second coming of Christ (unity) consciousness on the planet for all who wish it, and I can do that kind of work and worship at any time, from anywhere.

Getting back to concluding thoughts on Mila…

After she crossed the “Rainbow Bridge,” I could no longer believe that our pets do not have spirits or souls that go on somewhere after they pass. I sought out Lynn McKenzie to tune into Mila. I was informed her passing had something to do with some aspect of heart suddenly failing, which is what our vet presumed, but could not say for sure. I was assured there was nothing I could have done differently; it was simply her time to go. Lynn tried to figure out if something else was going on that day, but could not think of anything (astrologically, portals—we were well past Lion’s Gate at that point last year)…but now I realize it would have significance because of all things, “National Dog Day!” It was also simply a matter that Mila’s work as a being would have greater impact now from the other side as a spirit guide.

We know her energy is still around us and she makes that evident. She has visited both my husband and I in our dreams at various times over the past year. I also believe she has demonstrated “walk-in” ability with Juliet. We have witnessed Juliet demonstrate via physical traits or habits that only belonged to Mila when she was alive, that we had never before seen with Juliet. I know all this sounds a bit insane to the logical mind, and if not for the fact that my spouse has witnessed things as well, I would think I have gone crazy myself. Keep in mind though that many people believe in animal and interspecies communication, and that it's likely these were "birth right" soul gifts once shared among humanity. It is also believed that Jesus communicated with animals in His childhood (though not included in cannonized texts), and this was a known gift and ability of St. Francis of Assisi.

Of course, I joined Lynn’s animal healing and communication training program, through which I met another student who wanted to practice for her certification and asked if she could tune into Mila’s energy after she saw a photo of her I posted in the private group. That ended up being a unique experience that brought with it a more direct communication. I loved how in this message she came through addressing me as “mom.” I will spare you the entire context of the message, but highlighted aspects that came back were that Mila was now pure energy and that she can come and go as she pleases. She is enjoying the next phase of her evolution and is learning new things through a series of revelations. She noted that I was developing a greater connection to my Higher Self (soul) and that I was beginning to gain more wisdom as I am now understanding the “whys" behind the "what.” She has made friends with a tan colored dog a little bit larger than her, and said that an older gentleman, who looked about the age of 75 or 85 when he passed, now watches over them both. She asked who he was to me, as he “stepped forward to offer me a white rose of purity.” As the months went by, I could not figure out who this person is, whether it was someone I ever knew in this life, or the full meaning behind the white rose. Perhaps one day I will get the full picture when I am on the other side.

To end on this note, one final anecdotal story. Back in late March of this year as I was driving into work one morning, I heard them announce on the radio show the concert line up for the summer and fall, with Imagine Dragons (one my favorite musicians/bands) coming to town for one night…August 26th!

At first, I thought that as much as I wanted to order the tickets, I had other plans for this day… It would be a day to take off work and dedicate to her, with all sorts of remembrances and ceremony and so on. How could I possibly think of doing anything else on this day, especially if I made it about me?

Right after those thoughts crossed my mind, a message from Mila came through: “Mom… It is nice that you want to remember me on that day, as I know you think of me every day! But do not be sad anymore that I am not there. You know I am being watched over, and you know I can visit you whenever you want. All you have to do is call out my name and ask me to come. The whole point of all of this was that you learn to be happy by living in the present moment every day. I want you to be happy. The fact that this concert with your favorite band is scheduled on that day is because it is a gift to you to remind you to go out, live your life and have fun! For you are no longer ‘imagining your dragons’ in life, but you have come to ‘master your dragons’ through the greater understanding of the 'Whys behind the What!’”

I did take today off work, not to be sad in ceremony or ritual, but to share this part of my story with you all. I hope you enjoy this photo of our sweet Mila…it is one of my favorites! I am sure you can imagine her sending you a big, loving “Hello!”

And with that dear friends, I will sign off for now as I have a concert to get ready for. I hope to “see” you again next time on the other side of Surrender. Peace & Love,

Jessica